Sunday, June 19, 2011

Sleepless Thoughts

1:30 AM and wide awake. I wish I were sleeping right now. But since I'm not, and since my brain is firing random thoughts in every direction at a million mph...I might as well do something productive with my time and try to gather some of these stray thoughts and put them together in some sort of cohesive pattern for you to enjoy:)  Get ready for some unexpected deepness at this ungodly hour. I've been thinking about contentment lately, and the whole underlying premise of this personal challenge of enjoying the ordinary days on my journey. When I stop and reflect and take the time to count the incredible things I have been blessed with in this life it's easy to be in that contented place. And that is why I do what I do...I work hard at documenting life so I can remember the wonderful and good things and people I am blessed to be around. But to stay that mindspace? ALL the time? A different story. I honestly feel like some days I need to tie a piece of yarn around my finger so every time I see it I remember my goal. I'm easily distracted. And this world? Full of distractions. I don't need to tell you that. Some days I feel like the child whose mother is taking her into the grocery store to buy milk. And on the way to the cleverly placed, WAY back corner of the store, we pass the bright coloured, mouth-watering aisle filled with candy of all shapes and sizes...right at my eye level. The child (okay, I) slow my brisk "follow the mama" walk to little more than a baby step. And you all know the rest of that story. It gets ugly, unfortunately. I'm sure you've all seen it. And after those moments, when I reflect on that 'ugly' moment with a disgusted "what was I thinking?" and "how old am I??!" look on my face,  I wonder why it's so freaking hard to be in that beautiful, contented place all the time. The answer? I'm only human. We're only human. The self-denied perfectionist in me scowls at this answer ("there has to be a way", she screams!) But I think it's the truth. What kind of journey would life be if it were easy? What kind of people would we be if we didn't have to try? And so, we get knocked down, but we get up again (weirdly enough I'm pretty sure that's both a Bible verse and a pop song).  And that is the get back up, and try, try again (thank God for grace). As my dear and wise old friend, Mr. Oswald Chambers consoles, "No man is born either naturally or supernaturally with character, he has to make character. Nor are we born with habits, we have to form habits on the basis of the new life God has put into us. We are not meant to be illuminated versions, but the common stuff of ordinary life exhibiting the marvel of the grace of God."

Here's to getting back up again. Possibly making a checklist. And to a really good sleep.    :)

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